A long time cumming.

This is basically just my own experiences and my own opinion of a discord I was once a member of. I don’t expect this to change anything, apart from triggering a mass exodus of social media followers. I just know that a lot of you are curious as to what actually led to my being booted from that place and there’s stuff I’ve wanted to get off my chest as well.
I’ve been asked if I’d have been as vocal about things if vo.EROS had been willing to have a conversation with me. I can’t honestly answer that. When I was asked to leave the discord, I wasn’t really given a reason apart from “you seem unhappy on the server” – which I obviously challenged. It was all very impersonal, which is odd when you consider the fact he now claims to have believed we were friends. I feel like a friend would have treated me a little better in general during my time there and would have, at the very least, asked me what was going on. So, no, I can’t answer that question. I think, had he been interested in my feelings and opinion, we still would have ended up having an argument and I would have been booted. He wouldn’t have wanted to hear what I had to say about the people he keeps close to him – and the things I’ve found out since being booted would have just resulted in me confronting him and then choosing to leave if nothing changed.

This is too long to post to twitter so I’ve thrown it up here instead. I have changed some people’s names and have omitted a lot of stuff for various reasons. There’s so much more I would love to say about certain things but I don’t know that I will.
I’ve been meaning to post this for a long time now but things kept getting in the way. As a result, this was written over the course of a few weeks. I’ve uploaded an audio file for those of you who hate reading but I would suggest reading anyway as there is more in the text version than there is the audio. You will have to excuse my voice as I was a little stuffed up when I recorded it.
( Click here for audio )

I’m not sure how to write this because every time I start, I end up waffling or things become a bit emotionless and cold. It’s not that I am emotionless and cold, it’s a defense mechanism that kicks in when I’m upset or angry with someone and just results in people thinking I’m a cold-hearted bitch.
I want to make sure nothing I write can be twisted or used to manipulate people because I know if I give anyone that opening, they will take it. I’ve seen it happen on many occasions. I’m just going to type and then read over it and cull and read over it and cull some more and then get Fibs to read it and cull, ad infinitum. lol. Oh, also, I am not going to share other people’s experiences here unless they’ve allowed me to do so. There’s a lot of stuff I know that, while it was shared with me, it’s not the kind of thing I would ever share without permission. So, if you came here to get the really dirty tea, you are probably going to be disappointed. There are certain doors in that discord that I never entered, nor would I have cared to enter. Once I knew they existed, the luster was already well and truly gone for me.

So, I’m sure by now you all know that I was booted from the discord. I was actually asked to leave, I’m sure Eros probably sees that as some extraordinary benevolence on his part because, you know, we were so close n all. Me, being me, I kind of wanted an explanation as to why he wanted me to leave. Eros, being Eros, his benevolence didn’t quite extend that far. I pushed. He dug in. I was booted. Mind you, it was all very civil. Very diplomatic. (Though, I’ve since found out that he has a very different idea of how that conversation went – apparently it involves me spitting in his face. Mind you, when you are trying to win someone over to your side and you’ve been a bit of an asshole you kinda have to stretch the truth a little.)
Anyhoo, I kind of saw it coming. I even challenged him about that but he refused to budge and give me the truth of the matter. I had noticed he’d been treating me like he was pissed off with me for a while, I wasn’t entirely sure why, though I had my suspicions. And, of course, when someone is treating me that way and doesn’t have the balls to actually tell me what the problem is, I can be a little bit of a dick. I antagonised him a tiny bit. Just him, mind you. I really doubt anyone else on that discord had any idea Eros and I were both antagonising one another, apart from any people he’d told, of course. And, yes, he was definitely poking back. I even tested the theory once and he failed the test remarkably. I won’t go into that, though. So, yeah, I don’t like it when people try to play silly games with me, play with me enough and I tend to play back.

So I was booted on the 3^rd of January. The excuse given to me, after a little poking, was “subtweeting”. At that point I hadn’t subtweeted much of anything. I definitely subtweeted about “R” & Eros shit-talking pugs in WoW, because it irritated the fuck out of me and a lot of the E-Girls. That was on the 27^th of December. Prior to that, on the 18^th of December, I responded to some subtweety attacks on me by the OGs after an incident in stream chat. Just an eyeroll gif and something about loving twitter. I also referred to my friendship with “S” coming to an end on the 16^th December. I don’t think there was anything before that. I really wasn’t subtweeting much in the lead up to my banishment, and certainly less than some people.

I can’t remember exactly how I stumbled across the community but it was probably because I had seen women gushing over some dude with a hot voice on one of the many facebook smut groups I happened to frequent at the time. I believe I went from there to his tiktok then his patreon and my interest was piqued when I realised he had a gaming discord for women. I signed up on one of the lowest tiers that allowed me discord access, loved the community so much that I jumped up to an annual princess subscription within a week. I just knew I would enjoy spending time there; I knew I would have fun; I knew I would make friends.

Like most people I was a huge simp in the early days. I was appreciative of the community that had been provided and I wanted to promote it and promote Eros. In my eyes he deserved it. Here was a guy, trying to do good things, trying to be a good person, raising money for charity, providing a safe space for women on the internet. He said all the right things at the right time and he was, according to him, so often treated badly by outsiders, which riled me up a little and made my protective side come out.

I noticed little red flags frequently from both him and his community – I just chose to ignore them for the most part. When I first started sharing stories about the discord and my gaming on there, one of my closest friends messaged me to ask, “I have no idea what the fuck any of this is. Are you in a cult? Do you need our help?” of course I laughed my tits off because I had noticed how “cultish” the community seemed compared to all the other online communities I had been a part of. It was very closed off, only certain people were allowed in, you needed ID verification in order to be allowed in, the place seemingly was run by a single anonymous, self-professed attractive male whose pixel-dick most of the community wanted to jump on, announcements were vague but leading, there was a hierarchy in place, his most fervent followers could be quite rabid in the way they promoted and protected him, this was mostly encouraged or at least not dissuaded in any serious way. I mean, there was enough that I could certainly understand people finding the community “odd” or likening it to a cult. Also, the reaction whenever the word “cult” was mentioned on there was pretty telling.

I reassured my friend that if everyone decided to drink kool aid and ascend to be with Eros in spirit, I would give it legs. The conversation then veered off into philosophical, existential territory as it so often does with us.

I probably sound like I didn’t think much of the community, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. I loved it and I loved vo.EROS in my own way, even though I was wary of both. I’m just not one of those people who can ever blindly follow anyone. I don’t instantly take someone’s word as gospel just because they are the one to have said it. Trust doesn’t come easy to me. I need to know someone well in order to trust them that way and I didn’t know most of the women in that community, nor did I know Eros. I didn’t know him at all. What I knew was the small amounts of himself he allowed me to know and, even then, any smart person would question whether those snippets of personality were actually his or his persona. I was never under any illusion that we were friends. Could we have become friends over time? Early on I would have liked to think so but as time went on it became clear that, even if I had known Eros as a person, I probably would not have been able to be good friends with the guy. I don’t think our views aligned on many things and I often didn’t agree with the way he tended to approach things or treat people. And, I know, I know, the whole anonymous nsfw va thing is probably hard to navigate when it comes to relationships with people online and keeping people at arm’s length but I’m not really referring to that.

That being said, I really enjoyed gaming with him and the girls on the discord. We had similar senses of humour, we got on well when we were in vc, we had similar gaming styles for most of the games we played. It was relaxed, chill and fun af, for the most part.

The community itself was not perfect. I know there’s this whole “sit around the campfire and sing kumbaya” schtick going on over there but, in reality, it’s far from that. The first thing I noticed on joining was that there was a clear hierarchy in place. There was Eros, his moderators – standard community shit – then there was the “OGs”. This stood out for me immediately because it’s one thing I don’t really like in online communities. Having a clear hierarchy established amongst community members automatically promotes elitism and favouritism. As someone who often cops the whole “favouritism” thing, you would think he would do whatever he could to dissuade this, so it was surprising that Eros had those roles/tiers in place for so long. I assumed he wanted to reward the people who had been around from the early days and “stuck by him”. Later I figured he did it to make those people feel special because it suited him to keep them on side and having a visible hierarchy gave off the impression there were levels to his “attention” that were potentially attainable. Basically to encourage competitiveness amongst his girls… you know, so they can potentially gain access to the not-so-secret hidden discord for all his special ones.

When I joined it was, by far, the newer members who were most welcoming. I understand that shit had gone down right before I joined – it’s probably why Eros was being talked about in all the book groups at that time – so people on the discord were paranoid and cagey as fuck, but it was really obvious that there was this divide straight off the bat. I didn’t know who a lot of the OGs were initially, nor did I care. I was constantly being told “oh, she’s an OG”. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t really click with any of the OGs when I joined. This was mostly due to the way they seemed to have their own group already and didn’t actually make much of an effort to speak in the channels. There was also an air of superiority surrounding some of them and those who were friends with them that made them seem a little unapproachable. I just stuck to the channels I was interested in and spoke with whoever happened to be active in there, whoever would speak to me. I just found that that wasn’t really the OGs, and that’s fair enough. They don’t have to speak to me, I’m not saying the OGs have to go out and make friends with everyone, that’s not what I’m saying at all. In my experience in online communities, usually it’s the older members of a community that are the ones who welcome the new members and make them feel at home and wanted and part of a community. That’s how you grow your community. That’s how you make people want to stay there.

Another problem with the whole hierarchy thing is that when there are issues in a community and the people causing the issues are from the “upper echelon” you’re gonna find that noone wants to report them. It’s all well and good to say “give me names, I can’t do anything unless I know who is causing issues” because it makes you look like you are trying to fix the problems within your community, but when you know that a lot of the problems are caused by the people you keep around you or consider friends it’s just empty words. Hardly anyone will approach you with names if those names belong to your friends, dude. They are all scared of the potential backlash they will face by telling you stuff, because everyone is aware of the fact that anything that is said to you, or your mods, ends up being screenshot and shared around between you, and people talk. Inevitably the person will find out and there will be backlash. It also begs the question, why keep people like that around you in the first place? Why keep them close? Are they there intentionally, because they serve a purpose and are useful, or are you just oblivious to the way they act? I know for a fact that last part is not true, so… yep. Not a good look.

I’ve brought up the fact people need to find the courage to report things in that place on a few occasions. At the time I figured he was unaware, but as time went on it became more and more clear this wasn’t the case. At any rate, it fell on deaf ears because there’s a fear that permeates in that place. The fear of rejection, not being believed, being booted for having the balls to approach mods or Eros about the troublemakers. That place is a comfort for many so people are kinda desperate to stay there.

That being said, I’ve been guilty of this myself. There have been plenty of times someone has been a dickhead in that place but I haven’t said anything because it’s the kind of dickheadery that is really hard to explain to someone.

One person I feel needs to be brought up is “R”.
I will even give a couple of examples of how she’s contributing to the mean girl undercurrent in that place. Bear with me, if you haven’t been a high school girl, you might not grasp how this shit works.

1. She’s been learning to play WoW, has been lucky enough to have been carried through a fair amount of the game by the two best players we had on there. Yeah, yeah, I’m not totally discounting the work she’s done personally on the game, I’m sure she’s done loads in a bid to impress certain people. But I also know she’s had a ton of help from plenty of people, including myself. Though she never asked me for help publicly, which I always found a little amusing. I don’t know how good she is at the game because I rarely played with her but I assume since she’s in Eros’ main WoW party she must be, at the very least, half decent. This is why, when she joins in on jokes and insults aimed at the pugs they play with, it comes off as incredibly thoughtless. I mean I could say the same for Eros, who is usually the instigator. I don’t know how they can both be so oblivious to the fact that it makes a lot of the girls anxious to hear them shit-talking randos. I mean, if you are gonna shit talk some rando warlock cos his dps was so crap, yet half the girls you are supposedly friendly with are doing less dps than him, how do you think that makes them feel? And you wonder why people aren’t frothing at the mouth to dungeon with you. Engage your brain.

2. So I was playing WoW by myself 95% of the time, which got a little old. Being the charming individual I am, I managed to make a couple of friends of my own while hanging around Valdrakken (a city in the game). Fibs and I would regularly chat with them or duel and we would run the odd dungeon. They were happy to give us pointers and help us with our rotations and dungeon mechanics. You know, friend stuff. Imagine that. (We never pushed our friends onto any of the other girls. We never played with any of the other girls with them)

R, in her infinite wisdom, thought it would be real cool to take a screenshot of one of my friends when we had landed nearby to fish for a rare, and post it in the Wow chan. You know, so Eros could pop in and say “who is that? he’s been hanging around the girls”. I mean, I assume Eros, R et al had previously had discussions about my hanging out with a guy or two in the game. It’s not like I was hiding it, I was chatting with them in Valdrakken and playing with them most days. I probably even posted screenshots of pug key runs in the channel that included their character pfps. Eros is a smart guy, though, I’m 100% sure he knew R was posting that screenshot intentionally to be an asshole, or posting it FOR him.

So, basically my friend is minding his own business, tagging along with me and Fibs to catch a rare.  R decides to post her pointed screenshot of him, Eros was all “who is that creep?” Rev jumps in and explains that he’s our friend and we duel sometimes. “Se” makes some smartass joke in response. Rev reiterates that she wasn’t joking, we literally just play together and duel sometimes. By now I am kind of well and truly sick of R’s competitive mean girl bullshit so I call her out, saying that I am surprised she hasn’t noticed him before since we’ve dueled in front of her many times. She laughed and feigned innocence with some nonsense explanation in that vapid girly way one does when called out on one’s bullshit in public.

That. That is the stupid, insidious, mean girl bullshit that happens on that server on a daily basis. That is why it goes unreported. Ignoring the fact that Eros himself was present for it and knew exactly what was happening, how do you report that? It doesn’t matter that it happens literally all the fucking time. There’s also a reason it mostly happens in VC. How do you prove it when it happens in vc? Especially when recording vc would be an invasion of privacy.

I am 100% sure that other people have had issues with that kind of behaviour from R – just ask S. I am not sure if anyone has reported it because, well, what would be the fucking point? That’s why you end up with people subtweeting on social media. They have no recourse and god forbid they name names publicly. They’d be made examples of.

The mob mentality on the discord is pretty terrible. I’ve never been a fan of the pitchfork and torch thing online – people using their platforms or “celebrity” to influence their followers in that kind of way. All it takes is for Eros to pontificate on his stream and a lot of the women are out for blood. Nevermind the fact noone actually knows what Eros is even referring to half the time.

Actually, it takes even less than Eros pontificating. The guy can literally be asleep on stream and some of those girls will behave ridiculously in their grossly unnecessary desire to white knight him. I usually hate that term but, in this case, it actually fits. I’m referring to the stream where Eros fell asleep drunk during Valorant and a few of the girls playing had the absolute audacity to shoot his character as he slept. How dare they do something so awful that has literally no impact on him whatsoever lol. Anyway, some of the girls, including OGs, took this incredibly personally and started ranting about it in stream chat. I replied about how I thought it was shitful that they were shaming another e-girl for shooting a guy who has fallen asleep in a game. There was a little back and forth in which D and I ended up having heated words over it. Basically a whole lot of “we are protective of him!!” was thrown around. Anyway the whole thing was shut down eventually and, of course, the OGs moved it to twitter where they sub-tweeted about how angry they were and shared gifs implying they should be held back because they wanted to inflict violence upon someone (I can only assume it was me for having the audacity to stand up to them). It was during this that one of the other OGs, C, decided to request access to my twitter account, which I granted quite happily after laughing for a good five minutes. C then posted an incredibly eloquent tweet: “If you only to knew what doors would’ve been opened”. Mind you, all the OGs had supposedly been drinking heavily that night. I believe one boasted about being 20 shots in at one stage (tell me you aren’t a drinker without telling me you aren’t a drinker). I mean if you are gonna lie about drinking at least choose a more realistic number, or misspell the odd word here and there.

While we are on the subject of sub-tweeting, the main offenders are the ones closest to Eros and they are held to a different set of rules and standards than everyone else. Which is fine, run your place however you wanna run it, but just be aware it makes you seem full of shit when you use it as justification for asking someone to leave. The worst offenders for sub-tweeting is the OGs themselves and 20-shots-in herself. I would point you to the multitude of subtweets she’s made, unfortunately she deleted her twitter account shortly after I was given the boot. Strange, that. Oh, but she was sure to make one of her first IG stories after the fact be a nice little dig at us aussies. Hilarious.
Sometimes I wonder if she has one of those boards at home with photos pinned to it of the people she’s had a hand in getting booted from the discord. Oh, while we are on the subject of 20-shots-in and her subtweets, I found out later that Eros actually regards her shutting her twitter down as a “smart move”. According to him it was done so she could avoid the temptation to subtweet and, you know, nothing at all to do with the fact she’s the worst offender of all and it would probably look bad her leaving that shit up where anyone can see it.

There are a lot of blurred lines when it comes to rules and how Eros behaves and his expectations in regards to his patrons. A lot. I understand that he’s just a person and he can change rules as often as he likes but I do wonder if the contradictions, hypocrisy and vagueness with which he announces things is intentional. Having been the subject of one of his announcements – that was absolutely a misrepresentation of what actually occurred, and implied those involved were intentionally twisting his words and were “dumb” – I would put my money on the fact it’s intentional. I think a lot of what is announced on there is damage control or simply him being angry and venting… vaguely. Of course, we all jump in there and emote our support in droves without really having any kind of clue as to what or whom he’s talking about. Yes, I did it, too. It was only after the announcement that involved me that I took a step back and thought, “hang on, if he can lie about that, how many of his other announcements were lies?” And I know “lie” is a strong word but, if he wasn’t lying, he was delusional about what went down during the Try Guys tweetgate where he took his bat and ball and went home after his tweet wasn’t received the way he’d intended. Afterward, he knew he’d pissed me off. I had taken a step back. I didn’t really want to entertain him, generally when people spin shit about me I’m not a happy chap. I’m not gonna jump into a WoW group with you and hang like we are best buds. So, instead of approaching me directly about it he used one of the other girls to do it for him. He dropped a comment during a game when it was suggested I join the group, “she hates me because I was right about the Try Guys”. He knew it would get back to me, he knew it was nothing to do with the try guys and everything to do with that fucked up announcement. So I decided to take the bait and whispered him in game. I told him I didn’t hate him because of the try guys thing, that I was upset because of his announcement and the fact his gf had immediately made a tweet that “twitter is full of annoying motherfuckers”. Honestly, that someone so close to him would tweet something like that, did irritate me. Do I think that your closest people’s opinions often reflect your own? Of course. One hundred fucking percent. So a very brief conversation ensued that ended with him issuing your typical “water under the bridge” non-apology.

I decided to just compartmentalise it. I wasn’t happy. My opinion of him and the way he dealt with things was coloured by this stage but I wasn’t going to just write him off. He’s just a dude on the net. He has issues like the rest of us. He doesn’t trust people. He has an ego and overreacts sometimes. All normal things. S wasn’t really happy that I hadn’t just forgiven him. I guess, according to her, taking time out of his busy schedule to let me know it was water under the bridge, should have been enough for me to return to regular programming. I told her that nothing had really changed, he’d still lied about what had happened, his gf had still made a shitty tweet and he hadn’t actually apologised for anything. Neither of them had. But, of course, S was too busy making excuses for them to consider why that would upset me.

And before you get all riled up, I know I am not owed anything. I’m not entitled to anyone’s time or attention simply because I am a patron of theirs. I know that Eros can treat me however the fuck he wants to treat me, he’s his own person. I do, however, hold him to the same standards I hold everyone else I interact with… actually I probably offer him a little more grace due to his circumstances and the whole anonymity thing. I don’t expect anything from him, apart from common decency when having direct dealings with him. The same thing I would expect from anyone I don’t really know but interact with. I didn’t even expect an apology, nor did I think he would give one. There’s a certain intimacy that comes with issuing apologies to people and I suspect he’s well aware of this. When you apologise to someone you are admitting you care about their feelings. I seriously doubt someone in his position wants to do that, if they can avoid it. But it just goes to show that, contrary to what he now likes to claim, we were not friends.

The way Eros speaks on his platform about people who have left or been booted from the discord is incredibly problematic. I feel like if you want people to move on quietly, preaching about them and insulting them repeatedly on your platform to your followers seems like a really odd choice. The accusations that the women who are booted or left all wanted you and couldn’t have you. That we are jealous because we wanted to be close to you and were “rejected”. That we are pathetic and should move on. “Just block me, block me and fucking leave me alone”. Sure dude. Take us out of your mouth and maybe we will. Thing is, you might block some of us to, you know, “protect your own mental health” or whatever. But you have followers who stick around purely to screenshot every single fucking thing we do and send it to you in a sycophantic bid to curry favour. My twitter account has been private since day one. Anything I’ve said on there has been to the small group of E-Girls who still follow me. Yet Eros has known every single thing I’ve tweeted since I’ve been gone. I’m not dumb, I know when you are referring to me or the other girls who have left.

So, when you leave or are booted from the discord, how you are treated depends very much on the reasons behind your removal and how you behave afterward. If you go quietly into the night, never to mention the discord in any kind of remotely negative way, everything is hunky dory. Oh, you’ll lose followers, for sure, some of Eros’ fans automatically remove you the moment your name is white, but you’ll probably keep some of your closer friends from there or people you interacted with on a regular basis.

If you don’t keep quiet, however, if you have opinions on your removal or the discord as a whole and the people in it – you are made an example of. You are basically treated as a social pariah. People who still interact with you run the risk of being booted themselves. Everyone around you is potential collateral damage because you have had the audacity to speak your mind about Eros or his space. There is no option to stay friends with whoever you like. The moment someone speaks out about him or his “safe space”, they are putting their friends in the crosshairs. Oh, he’ll be lovely, he’ll be diplomatic, he will apologise profusely, all while giving no explanation as to why they are getting the boot. You are guilty by association. If your friend doesn’t like him, then you mustn’t either. He’ll keep some of them around. I’m not sure how he makes that distinction. It could be how much of a supporter you are, how much of his coldness you will put up with yet still stick around, maybe it’s how much you suck up or whether he thinks you can be manipulated into sharing information with him. Or perhaps you are just a pawn in a twisted game. You didn’t turn this one. I got her. She still loves me. I have no idea.

All I know is, you don’t get the benefit of the doubt. You don’t even get right of reply sometimes. I was “lucky” enough that Eros listened to me – right up until the point he misunderstood something I said and assumed I was implying he wanted to keep my Patreon money or something equally as ridiculous. I was implying he wanted me gone, permanently, you know – after my subscription was up, just don’t return. Money was the furthest thing from my mind in that moment.

That being said, while he gave me right of reply, it’s not like he actually listened to me. His mind was quite clearly already made up based on whatever information he had been fed by those around him. Sure, I poked him a little toward the end there, because I’m an asshole, and I knew what was going on. I knew something was happening behind closed doors that involved me. I knew he was irritated with me already. I just didn’t know why. Oh, I suspected, but I was never sure. Now I am and my suspicions, unfortunately, were correct.

I trusted TWO people in that place. I spoke openly to TWO people in that place. I would be approached via dm with questions about the “inner circle” that I was supposedly a part of, you know the one, and I would laugh, because I was a part of no circles. I was a part of nothing.

Two people. That’s all.

I mean sure, I met loads of lovely women on there. I still interact with a lot of them. The discord was full of wonderful women and I am a pretty friendly person. I try to be kind to people even if know they are assholes who don’t like me for no good reason (I do have my limits, though). 1

But if you think you can trust just anyone there, if you buy into the whole “women supporting women” schtick they have going on, if you think you can speak openly about anything or anyone, you are either naive or an idiot.

Two people. And I still got fucked over.

I wanna touch on anonymous messages quickly. I can’t say too much about this, having not received any myself. Something to look forward to, I suppose. But, some of the people who have been booted from the discord have received anonymous messages through various platforms. These messages consist of standard horrible nonsense, you’re a waste of space, unalive yourself, no one liked you. That kind of bullshit. Though some of it is more specific and more targeted. I know a handful of the women who have received them and Eros is aware of them. I’m not sure how long he’s been aware of them but I do know he’s received anonymous messages himself. Do I think they are related? Probably not. I suspect the ones booted people receive are from those still firmly within Eros’ camp. Eros, of course, seems to think it’s someone close to us sending them. Because, erm, no fucking idea. Well, I hate to break it to you, but they aren’t coming from any of us. At the time of this draft, Fibs had received 9 anonymous messages, not including the ones received on Instagram. We know that two came from New York, one from Maine, and two from the Midwest.

At any rate, they’ve been handled appropriately. It’s just another thing that really screams “safe space” amirite?

Anyway, today has been a fucking day*. I’m incredibly unhappy about some things that have come to light. I’m not surprised. Like I said, I had my suspicions, but I can’t help but feel hurt and betrayed. It does explain a whole lot, though, so at least now I know why everything happened the way it did. Doesn’t really make me feel any better about it all but at least I got some semblance of closure in that regard. Good times. (*this was written on the day I found out that S had been lying about me to cover her own ass. I don’t know for how long, but I suspect it went on for a long time – there were way too many coincidences that happened over the course of our friendship for me to believe she wasn’t sharing things she shouldn’t have with her other friends)

Since being booted or leaving we have all, as a group, had many women approach us to enquire about the circumstances regarding our departures. I’m sure some of them just want the tea, while a small percentage are just curious, and an even smaller percentage have suspicions about that place that they are hoping will get answered.

I am happy to answer any questions people might have about that discord. Whether I can answer or not really depends on what you want to know, though. I won’t be divulging incredibly personal information about people, regardless of whether or not they deserve my silence or protection. And, yes, there is most definitely information I know about certain people that was told to me by S that I would never, ever repeat to a soul. Quite frankly, it’s information she shouldn’t have even told me and fibs, but in hindsight, she did a whole lot of humblebragging about her other friendships that included sharing personal information about those people that she shouldn’t have.
Usually when a person divulges secrets about their other friends I automatically wonder if they are doing the same when it comes to me. I don’t know why I had my blinders on during the friendship with S, I think I just got along with her so well I wanted to believe that she truly was as kind hearted as she appeared. I can only look back now with regret that I didn’t pay more attention to the niggling feeling in my stomach every time she humble bragged about her friendship with Eros, every time she protested too much about the whole finding Eros’ voice sexy thing, every time she would so quickly explain her friendship with K as having started because of league. Every time anytime we had any kind of disagreement she used guilt tactics to try and put a premature end to the conversation or play the victim. Hindsight is truly a bitch.

And I know, I know, y’all do that thing where you are like “omg people who talk shit about someone who used to be a friend are assholes” or “people who share shit after a falling out that someone shared with them while they were friends are cunts”. Sure, the thing is, clearly we were never friends. And when a person is talking shit about you behind your back and contributing to issues you are having, it’s only natural to want to share stuff that is going to refute anything they are saying. You know, receipts as y’all like to put it. But of course you don’t want any of us sharing shit, because the shit we are sharing belongs to you. It’s your shit. And it stinks. And we don’t want it anymore.

I since found out that S has told Eros that Fibs and I “would not be satisfied until she joined in on “shit talking him” with us”. Which is pretty funny, considering the fact we never shit talked him. When this was brought to my attention, I offered to share screenshots of my final conversation with S, which basically refuted his beliefs. It’s not really all I could offer him, despite the fact S booted me and Fibs from our group chat, I was able to screenshot a hell of a lot of it – essentially proving that she was the one who constantly raised discord politics in our chat. She was the one sharing discord admin information without any prompting from either of us. Information, I can only assume, she got directly from Eros.

Anyway, he refused. Calling me a liar, that everything I was saying was bullshit and that he simply didn’t care. Instead he got incredibly angry with the messenger (Pickles) for telling me in the first place so I could share the truth of the matter. Something she most definitely did not deserve and I hope he feels really fucking bad about it to this day.

This just reinforced to me that he keeps these people around him intentionally. He can cry about people breaking his trust or stabbing him in the back as much as he likes, but when you know the people you are choosing to surround yourself with are liars and selfish social climbers – is it any surprise they are going to fuck you over at some stage? Sure, they may serve a purpose right now. They might help you get rid of certain people. They will fuck over their mothers to stay in your good books… but it won’t last. They aren’t your friends. They are sycophants who stroke your ego and enable you to continue using your board as a sexual buffet. Helping to promote the façade of a safe space, all while directly contributing to making it anything but.

The main reason I continue to talk about this is because, while there are a ton of women on that discord who know what’s going on or maybe have an idea, I know for a fact that there are some who have no idea. They have no clue what they are in the midst of and are supporting emotionally and financially. Were they to know, they would withdraw their support in a heartbeat. Aside from this, it’s my fucking right to talk about something that happened to me. Something I experienced. I can talk about it until the day I fucking die if I want to. You should be happy that I am only sharing this with my following of “noone but E-Girls” you condescending piece of shit.

And before you go accusing me of being puritanical. I am so far from that. I simply do not like liars and hypocrites. If you want a discord that is a particular way, then run it that way. Don’t advertise it as something it is not, especially when the way you advertise it is going to draw in a particular type of vulnerable crowd. Don’t pontificate to your followers about other people in the industry, attacking them for something you are are doing yourself.

Stop lying. And stop trying to make us the bad guy when the bad guy is clearly you.

I’m not some devious ringleader who is poaching people from Eros’ discord because I didn’t get my way or his pixel dick, or whatever other nonsense people want to spin. I’m not out here to ruin anybody. If you look at my twitter account, I actually haven’t shared that much at all apart from responding to things he or his more rabid followers have said.
It’s just that people talking about something they know next to nothing about tends to get incredibly old. People creeping around behind the scenes, dming for the tea. People trashing me and the other girls who have left that place simply because we are talking on our social media accounts about something we experienced. People trashing us because we aren’t sharing enough or we aren’t being specific enough for their liking. It all gets incredibly old.

How about instead of trashing us or bitching about how we aren’t spilling the tea to your satisfaction, you go ask him. Go ask him what’s going on. See what kind of reply you get. Then have a think about the caliber of women who have chosen to leave that place. I’m not talking about me because, technically, I didn’t choose to leave. I mean, I probably would have but instead I challenged him and was booted. I’m talking about the other women who have left. You’ll probably notice that a handful of them were actually pretty staunch supporters. Intelligent. Friendly. Genuine. Now ask yourself, why would they suddenly decide to up and leave? Who is the common denominator here?

It was nothing to do with me. Though my booting may have been a catalyst. I think treating me the way he did was a big mistake. You can’t just boot someone from a community and attempt to sweep them under the carpet when they are actually a decent person who has made a lot of friends there. It just doesn’t work. It makes people ask questions.
I think he honestly thought I would take his “olive branch” as he describes it, leave the board temporarily and return. For someone who claims to have been my friend, he really doesn’t know me at all. I’m not even going to touch on that friend thing again because it’s absolutely fucking ridiculous and just another example of him trying to manipulate someone into feeling bad for him.

Anyway, I know that the discord is a help to a lot of people. It’s a comfort and is the only social interaction some of you get most days. If you don’t care about all the stuff that’s been going on and literally just want to continue hanging out in a place that you enjoy, that’s fine. You do what you’ve gotta do. I’m not going to hold it against you. The only people I do question, the only people I am suspicious of, are those who know what’s going on, know the full extent of what’s going on, yet still choose to stay and support a man who they themselves have said is doing the wrong thing. I will never understand compartmentalising something like this.

Keep in mind that if you do like or respect those of us who no longer exist in that little world, you might want to think about how you interact with us. Treating us as though we are social pariahs, isn’t exactly going to make us like or respect you back. When you behave in a way that suggests you don’t want to be seen associating with us, it just makes me wonder why y’all don’t examine that a little. It begs the question, why you would want to continue supporting a person who instills such fear or anxiety in you and who tries to dictate who you can and cannot associate with.

I am happy to continue associating with you. I am happy to run dungeons with you. I am happy to help you with the game. None of those things have changed. I’ve actually made a bunch of friends who are very, very good at this game and love passing on their knowledge. It’s not a burden, they aren’t impatient, they don’t lose their temper. They will repeat things one thousand times until it sticks. They don’t care. It’s a game they love and they want us to love it too. Since playing with them my anxiety related to dungeon runs is almost gone. I actually enjoy it now. I am understanding the mechanics better and my rotation is fucking perfect. If I could just remember to hit the correct keys when I’m playing, that would be great.

Anyway, I’ve been meaning to post this for a really long time but life would get in the way or things would happen on social media and it would get put on the back burner. There’s so much more I could say but this is already too long. For those of you who are genuinely wondering how I am since my excommunication – I am great. I’m better than I have been in a long time. I’ve made a bunch of friends who I fucking love. We game together, we chat 24/7. It’s good.

If you’ve stuck around until the end of this, wow. I hope you are all well. Hopefully I will see some of you around Valdrakken, some of you I really don’t give two shits about. I’ll be at my fountain. Yes, it’s my fountain. I am queen of the fountain. But you keep standing on that bottom platform, where you belong. Yeah, you know who you are.